How to Discipline a 2-Year-Old

Even the best parents struggle with how to discipline their toddlers. Follow these 14 simple strategies for setting and enforcing boundaries with your 2-year-old.

The question of how to discipline a 2-year-old is a challenging one for many parents. Doling out effective discipline is one of the toughest and most frustrating tasks parents with kids of all ages have to deal with, but parenting a toddler comes with its own special challenges.

While past methods of child discipline commonly included corporal punishments like spanking, many of today's parents are interested in more gentle and positive methods. And experts say that they're probably on the right track. As the American Psychological Association explains, positive discipline methods for toddlers are not only effective, but they also can help both parents and children with their emotions, communication, and even self-esteem and confidence.

As many parenting experts see it, the best way to discipline a 2-year-old starts with setting rules to protect your toddler. This includes rules to stop your little one from engaging in behavior that is:

  • Aggressive, such as hitting
  • Dangerous, like running into the street
  • Inappropriate, such as throwing food

It can also be reassuring for parents to know the right discipline strategies can be beneficial for growing toddlers. The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) explains that effective developmentally appropriate disciplinary strategies can help with cognitive, socioemotional, and executive functioning skills, as well as emotional and behavioral regulation.

Disciplining a toddler is also about following through with consequences when they break the rules. It's all part of what Denver-based family nurse practitioner Linda Pearson, DNSc, MSN, ARNP, BC, FAANP, calls "being a good boss." Nobody said being a good boss, especially to a toddler, would be easy, but here are 14 strategies to help you learn how to effectively discipline a 2-year-old.

toddler tantrum over food
Marcel Jancovic/Shutterstock

1. Pick Your Battles

"If you're always saying, 'No, no, no,' your child will tune out the 'no' and won't understand your priorities," says Pearson, author of The Discipline Miracle. "Plus you can't possibly follow through on all of the nos."

Define what's important to you, set limits accordingly, and attach appropriate consequences. Then ease up on little things that are annoying but otherwise fall into the "who cares?" category (Think habits your child is likely to outgrow, such as insisting on wearing purple and only purple.)

"Keeping a good relationship with your child—who is, in reality, totally dependent upon you—is more important for their growth than trying to force them to respond in ways that they simply are not going to respond," adds child psychiatrist Elizabeth Berger, MD, author of Raising Kids with Character. You may worry that "giving in" will create a spoiled monster, but Dr. Berger says this anxiety isn't justified.

For Anna Lucca of Washington, D.C., picking her battles meant letting her 2-1/2-year-old daughter Isabel trash her bedroom before she dozed off for a nap. "I found books and clothes scattered all over the floor when Isabel woke up, so she must have gotten out of bed to play after I put her down," Lucca says. "Rather than try to catch her in the act and say, 'No, no, no,' I made her clean up right after her nap."

To balance things out, Lucca also took care to praise her daughter when she did something good—such as saying "please" or sharing her toys with her then-5-month-old sister. "Hopefully, the positive reinforcement encouraged Isabel to do more of the good behavior and less of the bad," she says.

2. Know Your Child's Triggers

Some misbehavior is preventable—if you can anticipate what will spark it and create a game plan in advance. This strategy worked for Jean Nelson of Pasadena, California, after her 2-year-old son took delight in dragging toilet paper down the hall, giggling as the roll unfurled behind him.

"The first two times Luke did it, I told him, 'No,' but when he did it a third time, I moved the toilet paper to a high shelf in the bathroom that he couldn't reach," Nelson says. "For a toddler, pulling toilet paper is irresistible fun. It was easier to take it out of his way than to fight about it."

So if your toddler is prone to grabbing cans off grocery store shelves, bring toys for them to play with in the cart while you're shopping. If your 2-year-old won't share their stuffed animals during playdates at home, remove them from the designated play area before pals arrive. And if your little one likes to draw on the walls, stash the crayons in an out-of-reach drawer, and don't let them color without supervision.

3. Practice Prevention

Some children act out when they're hungry, overtired, or frustrated from being cooped up inside, says Harvey Karp, M.D., author of the parenting classic The Happiest Toddler on the Block. If your child tends to be happy and energetic in the morning but is tired and grumpy after lunch, schedule trips to the store and visits to the doctor for the A.M., when they are at their best.

Prepare them for any new experiences, and explain how you expect them to act. Transitions can also be hard for some children, so give them plenty of time to adjust to an upcoming transition whenever possible. For example, when you know a playdate is about to end, say: "In a few minutes we'll need to pick up the toys and get ready to go home." The more prepared a child feels, the less likely they are to make a fuss over changes.

4. Be Consistent and Unfazed

Experts at Havard Medical School stress the importance of being consistent with what's allowed and what is not, and what the consequences are for going against the house rules.

"Between the ages of 2 and 3, children are working hard to understand how their behavior impacts the people around them," says child development specialist Claire Lerner, LCSW, author of the book Why Is My Child in Charge?. "If your reaction to a situation keeps changing—one day you let your child throw a ball in the house and the next you don't—you'll confuse them with mixed signals," she adds.

It can also be helpful to stay neutral whenever possible, especially when dealing with toddlers who by nature are going to want to push buttons.

"When a toddler's behavior elicits a reaction (especially a big reaction like a louder than usual voice), it can make the behavior more exciting because the reaction from their grownup is reinforcing, and actually what they're likely seeking," adds Michelle Felder, LCSW, MA. "Instead, being as unfazed as possible—offering no reaction is a more effective approach to help the behavior to stop."

One caveat: By age 2, many kids learn to shake their parents' resolve by being cute. Don't let their tactics sway you away from being consistent and holding firm—no matter how adorable they are. If you always respond the same way, they'll probably get it after four or five times. Just make sure your response is calm and firm.

5. Don't Get Emotional

Sure, it's hard to stay calm when your toddler yanks the dog's tail or smacks their sister in the face. But if you scream in anger, the message you're trying to send will get lost—and the situation will escalate fast. An angry reaction may only enhance the entertainment value for your child, so resist the urge to raise your voice.

The Child Mind Institute explains that when parents yell, kids might focus on the sound and tone of their voice, instead of what parents are actually trying to say. Additionally, constant yelling directed toward kids can hurt their self-esteem in the long run.

Trade in the goal of "controlling your child" for the goal of "controlling the situation," advises Dr. Berger. "This may mean re-adjusting your ideas of what is possible until your child's self-discipline has a chance to grow a little more. You may need to lower your expectations of their patience and self-control somewhat. If your goal is to keep the day going smoothly, so that there are fewer opportunities for you both to feel frustrated, that would be a constructive direction."

When your almost 3-year-old refuses to brush their teeth for the gazillionth night in a row, take a deep breath, count to three, and get down to your child's eye level. Speak firmly to them, and be concise in explaining what you'd like them to do.

6. Listen and Repeat

Kids feel better when they know they have been heard, so whenever possible, validate their feelings and show that you understand your child's concerns. This may not necessarily solve the problem if there's no safe or logical solution (for instance, they want to ride in their car seat without being buckled) but it may reduce their anger and defuse the conflict.

If your kids are whining in the grocery store because you won't let them open the cookies, you might say something like: "It sounds like you're mad at me because I won't let you open the cookies until we get home. It's OK to be angry, but it's not OK to whine or yell."

7. Focus on Simple "Do's" Instead of "Don'ts"

If you're like many parents, you may try to reason with your child when they break rules, offering explanations about what they did wrong and issuing detailed threats about the privileges they'll lose if they don't stop misbehaving. But as a discipline strategy, this approach (called "overt-talking") is as ineffective as becoming overly emotional.

Why? Because an 18-month-old doesn't possess the cognitive ability to understand complex sentences, and while a 2- or 3-year-old has better language skills, they still lack the attention span to absorb what you're saying. Plus, focusing on the negative—the "don't"—doesn't provide them with the clear alternative they need in that moment.

"Instead of saying 'no jumping,' I would tell them what you want them to do (e.g., 'we jump on the floor')," suggests Felder. "If an 18-month-old swats, I would skip the big reaction and say, 'use gentle hands.' If they keep swatting, move out of the way and say in a neutral tone, 'I won't let you hit me' and hold their hands if necessary."

By age 3, kids understand cause and effect, so state the consequences of the behavior and behavioral expectations: "Your teeth need to be brushed. You can brush them, or I can brush them for you. You decide. The longer it takes, the less time we'll have to read Dr. Seuss." Another option: "Your teeth need to be brushed. You can brush them now or in five minutes. You decide."

8. Offer Choices

When a child refuses to do something (or stop doing it), the real issue is usually control: You've got it, and they want it. Whenever possible, give your toddler some control by offering a limited set of choices.

Be sure the choices are limited, specific, and acceptable to you. Open-ended questions like, "Where do you want to start?" may be overwhelming to your child, and a choice that's not acceptable to you will only amplify the conflict.

So rather than commanding your child to clean up their toys, ask them, "Which would you like to pick up first, your books or your blocks?"

9. Watch Your Words

It helps to turn "you" statements into "I" messages. For instance, if you tell a 3-year-old that they can't leave their trike in the hallway, they may want to argue. A better approach: "If you move your trike out to the porch, it won't get kicked and scratched so much."

Make sure your tone and words don't imply that you no longer love your child. "I really can't stand it when you act like that" sounds final. "I don't like it when you try to pull cans from the store shelves," on the other hand, shows your child that it's a specific behavior—not them—that you dislike.

Instead of saying, "You're not being kind because you won't share your toys with your best friend," try "I know it's hard to share toys you really like. Would you like to take turns sharing with your friend?

10. Teach Empathy

It's rarely obvious to a 2-year-old why they should stop doing something they find fun, like biting, hitting, or grabbing toys from other children. Focusing on empathy instead can help your child see that their behavior directly affects other people and encourages them to think about consequences first.

Say things like: "When you bite or hit people, it hurts them," or, "When you grab toys away from other kids, they feel sad because they still want to play with those toys."

11. Rethink Time-Outs and Taking Things Away

If repeated reprimands, redirection, and loss of privileges haven't cured your child of their offending behavior, many parents might consider putting them in time-out, which the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) does list as a discipline method.

But Felter urges that time-outs can be ineffective: "Isolating a child because of their choice communicates that their behavior (and they) are too much for us to handle," she explains. "Loss of privileges are also ineffective unless they are natural and logical consequences to the unhelpful or inappropriate behavior. "

What you don't want is to arbitrarily take things away just to make your child feel bad enough to make a different choice. That approach, as Felder rightly reiterates, "is fear-based and can damage your connection." Instead, try to connect the loss of privilege with the behavior you are hoping to see in your child.

If your child hits their sibling with a toy sword, for example, limit when they can use the sword to when a grown-up is present. Then, Felder offers, they can play with it for only a few minutes to show that they can use it safely. As they demonstrate an ability to use it safely and follow the rules, they can earn more time with it, Felder explains. If, on the other hand, they begin to hit again, the toy goes away for the day and they won't get another chance until tomorrow.

12. Talk About Options

When you want your child to stop being aggressive with others, offer safe ways for them to express their feelings—say, by hitting a pillow or banging something with a toy hammer. They need to learn that while their emotions and impulses are acceptable, certain ways of expressing them are not.

Older toddlers can help come up with different options for handling challenging situations. Listen to their ideas with an open mind, then talk about the consequences of choosing each option. For example, if your child wants a toy that another child is playing with, you might ask: "What do you think you could do to get your friend to share that toy with you?" Then, discuss the next step together.

13. Reward Good Behavior

It's highly unlikely that your child will always do whatever you say. It's normal for kids to resist control, especially when you're asking them to do something they don't want to do. When they do behave appropriately, consider giving them a little prize (on occasion). Rewards are like a spoonful of sugar: They help the medicine go down.

The judicious use of special treats and prizes—as well as lots of verbal positive reinforcement—is a way to show your child that you're aware of and respectful of their feelings. This, more than anything, gives credibility to your discipline demands.

The next time your child picks up their toys without complaint, praise them and let them know that because they did such a great job cleaning as soon as you asked, you now have time to play a special game together after dinner.

14. Stay Positive

No matter how frustrated you get with your child's misbehavior, don't vent about it in front of them. "If people heard their boss at work say, 'I don't know what to do with my employees. They run the company, and I feel powerless to do anything about it,' they'd lose respect for him or her and run the place even more," says Pearson.

"It's the same thing when children hear their parents speak about them in a hopeless or negative way. They won't have a good image of you as their boss, and they'll end up repeating the behavior."

Every parent feels exasperated from time to time. If you reach that point, instead of talking about it in front of your child, turn to your co-parent, your pediatrician, or a trusted friend for support and advice. Professional therapy is also a helpful option.

How Age Affects How You Discipline

Effective discipline starts with understanding where your child falls on the developmental spectrum. While these discipline strategies are aimed at 2-year-olds, they can just as easily work for younger and older kids as long as you meet your child where they are.

18 months old

At 18 months your child is curious, fearless, impulsive, mobile, and clueless about the consequences of their actions. It's a recipe for trouble. "Though they're building a vocabulary and can follow simple instructions, they can't effectively communicate their needs or understand lengthy reprimands. They may bite or hit to register their displeasure or to get your attention," says Dr. Coleman.

As a result, the consequences for their misbehavior must be immediate. If you wait even 10 minutes to react, your child won't remember what they did wrong or tie it to the consequence, says Pearson.

2 years old

At age 2 your child is using their developing motor skills to test limits by running, jumping, throwing, and climbing. They're speaking a few words at a time, and become frustrated when they can't get their point across. They're self-centered, prone to tantrums, and don't like to share.

Consequences should be swift, as a 2-year-old is unable to grasp the concept of time. Since they still lack impulse control, give them another chance soon after an incident, says Lerner.

3 years old

At age 3 your child is a chatterbox; they're using language to express their point of view. Since they love to be with other children and have boundless energy, they may have a tough time playing quietly at home.

"Taking a 3-year-old to a gym or karate class will give them the social contact they crave and let them release energy," says Dr. Karp. "At this age, kids need that as much as they need affection and food."

They also know right from wrong, understand cause and effect, and retain information for several hours. Consequences can be delayed for maximum impact, and explanations can be more detailed.

For example, if they hurl Cheerios at their sibling, remind them about the no-food-throwing rule and explain that if they do it again, they won't get to watch Bluey. If they still throw food, take it away from them. When they ask to watch TV, say, "Remember when I told you not to throw cereal and you did anyway? Well, the consequence is no Bluey today."

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Sources
Parents uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial process to learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
  1. Corporal Punishment: Current Rates from a National Survey. Journal of Child and Family Studies. 2019.

  2. Teaming up to change child discipline. American Psychological Association. 2019.

  3. Effective Discipline to Raise Healthy Children. Pediatrics. 2018.

  4. The better way to discipline children. Harvard Health Publishing. 2019.

  5. Calm Voices, Calmer Kids. Child Mind Institute. 2023.

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