One of Scandinavia’s best-selling books a couple of years ago was titled Psychopaths in Suits.
I was quite interested to see the book’s overnight success and the intense media attention that followed. The huge interest must have been based on many people’s strong identification with the title – or at least curiosity about whether their boss, or someone they worked or negotiated with, might be a psychopath.
Studies claim that one out of every five to 10 managers is a psychopath. That’s at least 10% of all managers if the studies are correct. Scary – and even more frightening if the higher estimate is true: 20% psychopathic managers!
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In the world of negotiation, we find quite a number of people who could be classed as psychopaths, or who at least exhibit some psychopathic traits. We sometimes call them combative negotiators with a high bluff/threat level. It’s interesting, though, that a psychopathic negotiator is not always combative. Sometimes they seem to be the sweetest, kindest people – until you discover that they have hidden agendas that are far from friendly.
Here are seven of the most common ways such people go about their insidiously destructive business.
1. They insult you through humor.
Manipulative people enjoy making you feel bad through evil or hurtful comments, hidden beneath the cover of “being funny.” If they see you seem saddened or hurt by their “humorous” comments, they will commonly accuse you of having no sense of humor. Don’t negate your own feelings, though, or fall into agreement with their “reasonable” suggestions that you’re just “over-reacting,” etc. You know what you perceived and you know what you feel.
2. They change the subject to avoid responsibility.
If you bring up the matter of one of their covert assaults it’s very common for such a person to slyly attempt shifting the subject to you in a negative way. For example, they may bring up some error you made three years ago – often one that has absolutely nothing to do with the current circumstances. The manipulative person will do whatever he or she can to distract you from the cold, hard fact that they’ve mistreated you. Stay focused; don’t be distracted, misdirected or confused. If the manipulator is not interested in a sincere dialogue, then forget about it. It’s not worth your time.
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3. They accuse you of bad actions they themselves are involved in.
The classic case here is the person who is flagrantly cheating on his or her spouse but accuses the spouse of flirting with others. The manipulator refuses or is unable to see his own behavior objectively.
4. They attempt to “gaslight” you.
“Gaslighting” is using clever tricks, lies and deceptions to manipulate another into doubting his or her own knowledge, memories, perceptions and even sanity. The term comes from a 1938 stage play in which one of the principle characters tries to make his wife believe she is going insane.
Things like “That never happened!” “Are you crazy?!” and “You just don’t understand!” are common with such attempts.
If someone challenges what you perceive or believe, don’t just give up or give in. Talk the matter over with someone else, preferably who is not directly involved, who can examine the facts carefully and sensibly, and who you’re certain can be trusted.
5. They test your limits.
A manipulator will constantly test your limits, trying to see how far you are willing to stretch – morally, ethically and otherwise. Be firm, be true to what you know is right and don’t give in.
6. They act loving, compassionate and understanding one day and the complete opposite the next.
If a negotiating counterpart to talk about former partners, etc., in an abusive, aggressive or arrogant way, watch out. Some day – maybe tomorrow – you could be their target.
7. They will attempt to control you.
Manipulators love to control people and situations. They feel compelled to take control. Overtly and covertly, they will do whatever they can to dictate your actions, thoughts and feelings. They gamble with your emotions and try to make you think that you might be the one who is “over-reacting.”
